The Plain Dealer
Saturday, November 1, 1975 Cleveland, Ohio Morning Edition - 35c

Couple Missing From Denton
Brad Majors, 20, of Denton, Ohio and Janet Weiss, 19, also of Denton both disappeared shortly after attending the wedding of their friends, Ralph and Betty Hapschatt. The two young, ordinary, healthy kids were seen cavorting in the church cemetary. An unidentified witness with no fucking neck reported that they had run into the church when Brad apparently proposed to Janet on the church steps. President Nixon commented, “America needs a full-time President and a full-time Congress, particularly at this juncture in American history,” and that there would be no federal investigation of the disappearance or the reported sightings of a flying castle later that day. Denton Chief of Police and expert Criminologist Oliver Stone remarked, “Life is and illusion and reality is merely a figment of our imagination. . .Brad and Janet are quite safe.” Chief Stone would not comment on how he knew Brad and Janet were safe. Also missing since the wedding, are the preacher who performed the ceremony, and his three assistants.
Local Scientist Investigates UFO
After his nephew, Edward S. Aday, left home and did not return, Dr. Everett V. Scott began an informal investigation into the recent UFO sightings in the Denton area and the sudden appearance of what seems to be a castle. Dr. Scott, a disabled World War II veteran, said he will be travelling to the castle tonight. He would not comment on what he is hoping to find. Some are speculating that he is going to search for his missing nephew.
President Nixon Resigns
Following the recent scandal involving Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones, President Nixon has decided to resign effective noon tomorrow. Vice-President Gerald R. Ford will succeed him, becoming the first U.S. President not to be elected to the position of President or Vice-President. Vice-President Ford was appointed to his position following the resignation of former Vice-President Spiro Agnew. Vice-President Ford promises to pass a law forbidding the governors of southern states from running for President, particularly Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, and Florida. He is also considering extending the ban to the governors' wives.